Dear MTT,
I feel ridiculous writing this, but I don’t know where else to go. I’m in my early forties, I’m happily married with kids, and I have a full life. I believe in quality over quantity when it comes to friendships and, not to sound picky, but I’m choosy. So, when I let you in, you’re IN.
‘Olivia’ and I have been best friends for over ten years, meeting through our kids’ school when I moved to where I still live. It’s a smallish town in a red state and she was one of the few liberals I found. We clicked right away and could talk for hours, not just about politics, but anything. I have other friends, but she was my best friend, the one who really understood me and I her.
About a year ago, I started noticing she wasn’t as available, which at first I took in stride. We’re busy people, right? Then, I felt that it was me reaching out much more to her. I finally asked if something was wrong, not as an accusation, but from genuine concern. At first, she apologized, stating she was just busy, it was unintentional, and would make more effort, but a month later, the same thing would happen. After a couple more rounds, I finally texted her letting her know how much her friendship meant to me, that if there’s something I’ve done, give me a chance to fix it (although I would have no idea what it could be, but considering I’m neurodivergent, I leave possibilities I’ve missed some social cues). She brushed off my efforts and told me she doesn’t have time for this-and then ghosted me.
That’s bad enough, but what makes it worse is that I see her all the time. We’re on the same school committees for our kids, the same social circles, you name it. I act like everything is fine in public because I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable, but it’s agony. My family has been very supportive, but they also are telling me I need to figure out a way to move on. Honestly, I don’t know how to do that. How do I not feel so heart-broken?
Sincerely,
Ghosted Gal
Dear Ghosted Gal,
Girl, I’ve cried more over losing a close friend than I ever did over a man. So, stop the shame spiral. You’re not ridiculous. You’re human.
We have romantic breakup anthems, divorce lawyers, and societal permission to cry into a tub of ice cream when a partner leaves us. But when a best friend dumps us? We are expected to just shrug, swallow the lump in our throat, and pass the potato salad at the next school committee meeting?
I call bullshit-not on you, but the social construct placing romantic love at the top of the emotional food chain and platonic love with the plankton at the bottom. It is unfair, and your grief is completely valid.
Your brain is screaming for a “why” because human psychology is hardwired to treat a social rejection exactly like physical pain. Neuroimaging studies reveal that social rejection activates the anterior cingulate cortex, the exact same region of the brain that registers physical injury. Your heartbreak is not metaphorical; your brain is genuinely processing this ghosting as an unhealed wound. Because you are neurodivergent, this distress can trigger a fierce rumination loop. Your mind’s natural penchant for pattern recognition and context-seeking defaults to scanning a decade of history, desperately searching for an “error code” to fix the painful ambiguity.
To survive the small-town committee dynamic, reclaim your peace, and short-circuit this loop, here is how you move forward:
Reframe the Ghosting
Recognize it as a reflection of her, not your neurodivergence. You offered her a clear, judgment-free runway to tell you if you missed a social cue. She chose to crash the plane instead.
Assign a “Placeholder Explanation” to stop the loop. Your brain will not let go of the loop until it has an answer. Since Olivia won’t give you one, assign a permanent, logical definition to close the case file: “Olivia lacks the emotional maturity to communicate boundaries, so she quit.” Every time your mind tries to dig up old memories to analyze, hand it that file and refuse to open a new investigation.
Stop treating her like the only oasis in the desert. Finding a political ally in a small town is wonderful, but sharing a worldview does not automatically guarantee someone possesses lifelong loyalty or emotional maturity. I have friends across many political and social spectrums and I’m more curious than judgement on what their ‘why’ is for believing what they do. People who have given me thoughtful answers based on experience and research stick, even if I don’t agree with everything they do. Because what matters to me is how they show up-with consistency, maturity, and loyalty. Something to think about…
Upgrade to “Polite Civil Servant” Mode
You are currently exhausting yourself pretending everything is “fine” to keep others comfortable. It is time to pivot from pretending to protecting your own energy.
Adopt a “Cool and Cordial” policy. No need to set your glare on ‘kill’ mode, but you absolutely do not need to offer warm, enthusiastic small talk either. Treat her exactly like a coworker you neither like nor dislike, but must work with to complete a project.
Keep interaction purely transactional. If you are on a school committee together, your vocabulary around her should shrink to: “Did we approve the budget?” and “Pass the sign-up sheet, please.”
Let the silence do the heavy lifting. If she tries to make shallow small talk to ease her own guilt, give short, polite, one-word answers, smile faintly, and look at your phone or walk away. You’re offering a cold peace, not performance art.
How to Actually Move On
Label the thought pattern. The moment you catch yourself analyzing a conversation you had years ago, say out loud: “I am ruminating again.” Labeling the process shifts the activity from your emotional brain center to your logical prefrontal cortex, immediately weakening the loop’s grip.
Force psychological closure. Human psychology notes that the mind remembers uncompleted tasks better than completed ones (the Zeigarnik Effect). Olivia left your friendship as an open loop. Write a final, un-sent letter stating your peace, then physically shred it to signal “task complete” to your subconscious.
Redirect your “choosy” energy. Your family is right that you need to move on, but only because staying stuck means Olivia is still controlling your emotional climate. Take all that high-quality loyalty and pour it back into your family, your hobbies, or a new friend who actually responds to messages.
You did your best, you checked in, and you offered accountability. She opted for a conflict-avoidant exit. Hold your head high on those school committees, put on your best professional face, and let her realize that losing your friendship was her own poor investment.
Since you didn’t tell me what kind of music you wanted for your personalized mixtape, I took liberties. Starting with the transcendent Jeff Buckley (if you haven’t watched the doc, It’s Never Over, stop everything. So far, it’s my favorite of the year) and ending with the wise-beyond-his-years, Ben Howard, with some kick-ass divine femme energy in between. Click here.
Email your question to: HarperKincaid26@gmail.com.
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As a thank you, I will make you a playlist-link will take you to my Spotify account. If you’re into a particular kind of music, by all means, share the wealth and I’ll incorporate some of your faves.
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This advice column is for psychotainment©️ (yes, I birthed this awesome word from my brain) which means I’m utilizing psychology as a way to entertain and inform. It is NOT therapy.
If you are in a mental health crisis, do not write me. I care, but I can’t help you. If you are thinking of hurting yourself or someone else. please call the national suicide crisis hotline at 988 or go to the nearest hospital. This is never a substitute for mental health care by a licensed mental health practitioner in your area.
Excellent advice, as always, and funny too. Love there term “psychotainment”
Love the writing, Harper. And I love the idea of MTT as a whole. I, on the other hand, cannot even think without considering metaphor and what movie offers the best healing in a situation.
However, as a fellow neurodivergent (AuDHD neurotype), I initially considered GG’s former (?) friend to possibly struggle with a lack of time awareness. Oblivious to the idea, as she might be busy (legitimately), she simply hasn’t been a part of GG’s life for months at a time.
It’s a problem I have so much that, after some consultation last week *not* to do something administrative immediately, but to consider other conversations and come back to it at a later time, I put about 5 dated alarms on my calendar.
Because my ADHD would forget. I know it. There are two periods of time I recognize.
Now.
and
Not yet.
———-
Not November.
Not July 11th.
Not Chanukah.
Not Ramadan.
Not The Epiphany / Orthodox Christmas.
Not Labor Day.
Period.
But I.
I am that friend who had an out of town friend over for dinner while he was in work travel and between sites.
After seeing earlier in the day that it was his birthday.
Forgetting is was his birthday.
And then calling him and my wife and I singing HBD to him while he was driving.
Fortunately for me, he has ADHD as well. Though I’d not be diagnosed for over another 10 years. lol.
GG’s tale is different. Her former friend sees her in public. At school events.
I’m going to agree with you on the ghosting. And how to consider moving forward.
Friendships are an odd animal.